feel…

THIS

treasures

i’ve been thinking about personality facets (and i also been cleaning) i took a look at the things i saved, that i carried with me, the hold a memory of a person or a  moment in time , some kind of a weird collage symbolic of my life…
Some have value in the eyes of the world, some are things that people are more used to see on the ground or in the rubbish bin.
i rarely think of it, but in the back of my mind i’m  conscious that they there, always with me, the collection grows with new people, new moments, and when i look at them i truly understand why those ancient people had stuff buried in their graves with them… roots, home. Either to bring with you in other existence, or to ground you as a proof of  this one.

i don’t have much, it all fit in a small box …

want you… want you not

My “date” looked like Chris Isaak,was pleasant and invited me to go out for new year’s eve… except i didn’t wanted to be there, i wish to find a way to get out of few apointments so i can get a flight to go meet someone that is totally infuriating. Why?  Every half hour i change my mind about this man… want him, want him not. How many times you keep going back when confronted with mild interest/indifference.

maybe is best.

i’m achy. You know that kind of ache in the chest that spread ripples of pain through the body. Sometime i feel the tears pushing,but i swallow, cause it best this way.
This year was a difficult one, so i suppose this is the right conclusion for it.
In few short weeks i went to,being excited, being content, making plans to this.
i don’t understand , i feel foolish, so that’s why i’m aching. But i’m going to be over it in no time.
i’m aching.
i’m going out.

i shouldn’t promise things.
what happens when you break a promise?

tired

ho sonno

.

click

blah blah blah…

me

i’m back here… away from the other one that start to feel like a territory marked by one too many cat.
Anyway i was saying, funny how people think they read you correctly from few phrases, funny how the go in a roundabout way to make you feel bad, so you will wanna prove them wrong (by being with them?) but the funnier thing is that i actually fall for the trick, i see the attempt at reverse psychology, but unless i’m furious, i just bend over backward to prove myself, to please. Of course is like dangling a carcass in front of a bunch of vultures… oh yeah i know, kitty isn’t so kind at times, maybe, or maybe i’m just more tired of the mind games people try to play with me.
Anyway my love life still sucks. i think i’m too needy at the moment to be objective… i met someone i liked, only to be made feel like i’m snobbish, never mind he was misleading in not specifying that one look for casual encounters (maybe just for what concerned me, but still…)
Now i’ not sure what’s going on with T.(just in case you are reading )
i like him

no title

i haven’t been able to snap out of this mood… i have tons of things to do and i can’t get myself moving.
i’m tense and irritable…i’m roaming my apartment like a caged panther…it feels like my brain is going a mile a minute… i try to meditate which resulted in a head full of questions and breaking something (obviously not the goal of meditation )
i’m trying to focus on the positive, i was going to move anyway, yet i can’t calm myself… maybe is because i feel i no longer have a real choice, or maybe is the way i’m taking the behaviour of others.
i’m going to do a mandala and see if it helps

image Hildegard von Bingen

text speech

For me is like to solve a rebus, without pics.

i mean there are certain words that are common enough, but when the whole text is made of abbreviation, what is one supposed to think?

What i think is : if you are too bloody lazy to write sentences i don’t see why i should read them.

Maybe it was Welsh?

chai at 6:30 am

Two days without nicotine and i’m starting wondering what’s the point… i’m going to have to die of something anyway. OK the point is money (7:76+taxes is a bit too much) and i really hate the smell. The cigarette quitting is not doing so great as far as mood are concerned… i’ve been avoiding my friends  r/t and on line cause i switch from “i want to rip your head off” mood to “i need a man” mood to  “what’s the point of life”. Plus i truly have had it with those than never smoked a day in their life and think the have a fool proof method to make smokers quit.

i’m sick of the other site, i’m tired of reading the same bullshit, i’m tired to see the same posts reworked by someone else.

ok i’m done complaining for the day…

eating nectarines in the middle of the night

i’m exhausted. i know i wanted to write something but my brain has chosen this moment to shut down…

oh well… i should go try to sleep and try again tomorrow.