i feel like eating marshmallows…

Sometime i’m really childish… i don’t care

As we start living together i wonder: .

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How do relationships end?

Why do they end?

What’s the common denominator ?

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look… really look

all is silent

So many things go through my mind today… decisions (resolutions?).

Trust i want to hear the words, spelled out, because i love words, i sometime need them, maybe some day i’ll learn to read minds, and i will be able to do without them.

Hands speak too…

the unbearable heaviness of being

i live independently from my eyes. What about that has the color of frivolity, for me to assume the outlines of  a heavy idea. My unconscious works solo. And often amplify my own nightmares,spontaneously giving them a hand.
There it works.
Weave,embroider and color my nights. But the reality is that on awakening I feel the pressure on the sternum. And the temples strongly pulsate  because i hardly ever  understand who am i  in front of my subconscious… subtly immodest, brittlely ephemeral, overly emotional, instinctively erotic.

i live independently from my eyes. In them, my breathing is slow.

something wise…

i read this in another blog…

“Never make someone a priority in your life, while you remain only an option in theirs”

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.i put it here so i won’t forget.

of regrets

i believe that for us all there is an invisible line in the sand, so to speak, a limit that says “This far and no further”.
The road not taken is a big fat lie.
When i step away from that line i never think what could have been… i find it to be a fantasy, a fairy-tale born by the lack of courage to live with one choices, an escape from reality as much as any “happily ever after” book.
i choose reality.
Sometime is painful, sometime sucks , but dreaming of things that weren’t or would not be, to me amount to throw away what i do have.
How’s that for living in the moment?  for someone who believes the whole moment concept to be kind of idiotic, i do actually do it. No, i’m not enlightened,  or anything even close to that, i just think as my previous post says “a bird in the hand etc….”
The bird in this case is what is real right now.
Life IS beautiful, it would be a shame wasting on the “birds in the bush”.

the love of my life…

is actually art.

yep my “one”, my “home”, my safety, my high, my joy without regrets …

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p.s. this is a week of epiphanies…

i may be  getting enlightened 

i figured it out

All i want out of life is…

PASSION

i wonder if this means i’m easy to please or extremely difficult…

light and shadow

“When an individual makes an attempt to see his/her own shadow,he becomes aware (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he/she denies him/herself but can plainly see in other people.”

This was written in one of my journals, i’m not sure if i wrote it or i quoted, it was a time of attempting to come to term with my shadow-self… Jung, dream work and all that. i keep on analyzing myself over and over, the more i slice and dissect the more i’m aware of the twisted flaws of my character. But the thing is i like (most) of my darkness, it’s constantly fighting with the good catholic girl i was made. But was i? Or is that just another part of my true self…  in fact there is no lightness in Catholicism, and for better or worse is part of me, in a more pagan form, that has nothing to do with gods and all to do with symbols.

But what about the solar part of me? Oh yeah that exist as well, after all that good girl stuff wasn’t wasted on me… but… but… still no balance, i’m always at extreme points on that interior scale.

Passionate and mercurial… and feral (let’s see if i will ever be truly domesticated)

wait a minute, maybe i am “special”…

…nah, just weird.

i received a quite passionate  email from this cute Australian guy (for some unknown reason, Australian men like me).Of course he doesn’t know me, so he is actually filling the blanks  with whatever fantasy of me he created.

i thought of J. today, i thought of my surprise at the first time i saw raw desire in the eyes of this beautiful man, i thought of sitting on the ground under the sun and how he looked when he told me he was in love with me. i thought of the men that have loved me and the one i loved back. Such beautiful men have been in my life… no one knew how to keep me.

And then i thought of B. that rejected my love, that manage to made me see my body every flaw till nothing good enough is left. Insecurity is all i took away from that relationship. Ironically, perhaps, he was the least handsome of my lovers, and maybe with no beauty at all.

R. told me he wishes i could see me as he sees me. That was sweet… and i guess i wish the same.

blah blah blah…

me

i’m back here… away from the other one that start to feel like a territory marked by one too many cat.
Anyway i was saying, funny how people think they read you correctly from few phrases, funny how the go in a roundabout way to make you feel bad, so you will wanna prove them wrong (by being with them?) but the funnier thing is that i actually fall for the trick, i see the attempt at reverse psychology, but unless i’m furious, i just bend over backward to prove myself, to please. Of course is like dangling a carcass in front of a bunch of vultures… oh yeah i know, kitty isn’t so kind at times, maybe, or maybe i’m just more tired of the mind games people try to play with me.
Anyway my love life still sucks. i think i’m too needy at the moment to be objective… i met someone i liked, only to be made feel like i’m snobbish, never mind he was misleading in not specifying that one look for casual encounters (maybe just for what concerned me, but still…)
Now i’ not sure what’s going on with T.(just in case you are reading )
i like him