awake

I must have fallen asleep in a field of poppies.

I’m awake now!

 

i feel like eating marshmallows…

Sometime i’m really childish… i don’t care

As we start living together i wonder: .

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How do relationships end?

Why do they end?

What’s the common denominator ?

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look… really look

%@#**#

listen

if

you want

*** CLICK***

Has been a while.
So much change.
i live with my love.i’m seeking security, and i want to believe, but some walls are hard to tear down.
i stopped lying to myself:  polyamorous  i’m not,  i believe in two that become a unit, one heart… romantic, as usual.
Someday maybe some play will be possible, but i realize i could not live with another coming into the relationship. Just bodies, maybe yes, when the walls come down,when there is feeling secure, when i can be sure than none can touch us.
Maybe.

But in life who knows, maybe i’ll just watch him choose something else, maybe i watch me …
could i bear watch? no, that’s why there is South Africa

all is silent

So many things go through my mind today… decisions (resolutions?).

Trust i want to hear the words, spelled out, because i love words, i sometime need them, maybe some day i’ll learn to read minds, and i will be able to do without them.

Hands speak too…

after much debating with myself…

i admit it

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i’m

dreams…

i define myself as a realist, even my dreams seemed realistic to me.
Then something happens,and i realize how wrong i am… mind as well i’d be dreaming of being Disney’s Cinderella or another far fetch character like that.
The life of a realist is much easier, fewer disappointments.
Pessimistic? i don’t think so, but maybe.
In the past few weeks i found hope hurts.
So maybe is time to let go of dream and plant my feet firmly in reality.

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i’m a foolish, foolish woman.

listening to…  **click**

drama? melodrama? maybe i should try choreodrama… naked

Maybe i’m just hopeless at communication.
i try to spell out my needs and he hears demands.
i don’t like to ask.
So it doesn’t matter… but of course me saying “doesn’t matter” get misconstrued.
Endless frustration. Arguing , misunderstanding. Isn’t natural to wonder what the fuck are we doing?
By nature i maybe nurturing, i go out of my way not to let those i love feel insecure, i want them to feel good about themselves, in body and spirit. i want them to see themselves through my eyes and feel that that no-so-perfect body they see in the mirror is beautiful and desirable just as is, that they won’t be alone when times aren’t so great, that they can lean on me if they need to, cause i’m small but i can be very strong when life demands it. Maybe i’m just unfair expecting that other would express their love in a similar manner.
But i seem to be, i AM, too fragile and  insecure about other things. And maybe is all i show in the end.
Like a little scrawny cat, hissing and spitting out of fear.
i don’t want to hurt again, not in my soul. But other than be alone, i don’t seem to know how to do it.
i was called “melodramatic” tonight, it hurt to think someone i love reject what is part of me . i express my thoughts in a melodramatic way, but i don’t actually live them that way, a practical woman i am, less lost in fantasy than what may appear on the surface.

Epilogue : i got an invite to got out tomorrow, and maybe is just what i need. Less thinking, more fun…

it is`my nature…

Passionate, emotional… call it what you like.
i try to explain to people that passion is not one-sided, nor easy to live with.
Everybody seem to point to it as being a great attribute to one character… ah! Most revel in it, when comes out in love, sex, sheer joy in living, men in my life delighted in this side of my character… not so much in the other face of the same coin.
i can change, in fact i do. i can do it purposely and sometime it just happens from the response i get from others. Yes, i can be detached, even cold, i don’t care much to be that way, i like to love fully, feel fully, sedate is not enough.

The funny thing is i never met anyone that like the withdrawal of the passion i feel toward them, even when where the one to ask for it.

of regrets

i believe that for us all there is an invisible line in the sand, so to speak, a limit that says “This far and no further”.
The road not taken is a big fat lie.
When i step away from that line i never think what could have been… i find it to be a fantasy, a fairy-tale born by the lack of courage to live with one choices, an escape from reality as much as any “happily ever after” book.
i choose reality.
Sometime is painful, sometime sucks , but dreaming of things that weren’t or would not be, to me amount to throw away what i do have.
How’s that for living in the moment?  for someone who believes the whole moment concept to be kind of idiotic, i do actually do it. No, i’m not enlightened,  or anything even close to that, i just think as my previous post says “a bird in the hand etc….”
The bird in this case is what is real right now.
Life IS beautiful, it would be a shame wasting on the “birds in the bush”.