la roue de la fortune (no, i don’t mean the game)

So i’m shopping for a plane ticket again- by the way why there are all these site promising great discounts and the prices are the same on each one?- i should only be going for a week-end, but i’ve been toying with the idea of staying a week. The joys of long distance, which neither of us wanted in the first place.

Of course i’m spinning and spinning in my insecurities. And mild paranoia. i’ve been feeling uncomfortable on the other site, maybe this time i truly quit  blogging there. Not great loss, the best bloggers seems gone, now i feel i re-reading the same shit over and over, mine included. i still find funny that nobody admits we are all a bunch of , how should i say this, not well-adjusted people… i mean really get over the “our kinkiness makes us the enlightened élite”, so i’ve been poking fun at my own doormat-iness … of course i’m taken seriously, sex after all is a oh- so- serious subject.  Enough of that…

i think i stick with orbitz …

fishbowl ( or my blog on the other place)

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Round and round
without sense
i move… i stop
the eyes of others look at me
and i don’t know where to hide

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compatibility and first meetings…

On the other site i get mail of men describing “our” first meeting (yes i know they send the same one to everyone)… to me is quite interesting to see people imagination at work, how much they are influenced by others ideas and how risky they are with expressing their desires.
In truth i would love to be all mysterious and cool and collected ,walking in on 5 inches heels, uncomfortable clothes and patent leather shiny red lips, it just never turns out that way.
My last meeting turned out well despite me being sleep deprived,without make-up (never wear it when i fly), having a shaving accident one hour before boarding the plane (my bath tub looked like i slaughtered a pig), me bleeding all over his carpet and couch (yep it happened), lynn doing her duty as safe call (from Oklahoma but still…).It’s all a blur, except the french fries, a bite on the tip of my finger (i still have the mark) and the fucking… could have embarrassing (it was) but i guess it means  we are compatible.

illusions and delusions…

Is what you feel real or an extrapolation? Do i based my gut feeling on my behaviour? Does it make a fucking difference?

i feel

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not good enough.

eyes wide open…

i feel like we spent so much time recognizing each other, watching, reading (or not reading) , moving on … and coming back (?).

Then words… understanding and misunderstanding. Learning to listen with my eyes, being hypnotized by his voice. Doubts and more doubts.

i’m in a storm of my own creation, and i don’t know how to stop it… should i stop it? Can i stop?

i recognized Him… do i see Him?

what am i fighting then?

compatibility…

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what is it?

fear… ? ? ?

Should i listen to the voice of fear?

It whisper in my ears, till it gets to the heart … chokes me.

Maybe i should scream against it. Throw it up.

(but what do i know)

only fools rush in…

don’t they… i’m so good at so many things but i can’t tell cause goes against my being positive policy . Sometime i wonder if i will ever be able to manage to be always unguarded  with somebody, i vaguely remember that feeling. But i’m really REALLY good at recalling how it feels to open up and feeling like a hand squeezing and twisting your guts till you can’t  breathe, and the only sound that comes out of you is a low howl… yeah i remember that.

…spin… spin… spin…

stop

safety is an ILLUSION !

apparently i’m still me

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image  Santerineross

i’m not telling…

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no yet…

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uncertain certainty… or certain uncertainty

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Yeah, i agree . Maybe won’t matter tomorrow, but matters now. Was a stressful day, a difficult evening and… better to figure things now. i’m still me, still in… and i’m not giving any key away.

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